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What made the 80s such a memorable decade for so many of us? Was it the strange music or unusual hair? No it was the abundance of so many great toys, advertised in massive quantities each week. Unfortunately, there were times when after purchasing your totally cool toy it turned out to not be nearly as radical as it seemed on television, and you regretted your purchase for about a week (until your next sweet acquisition). This list records 9 of those toys that for one reason or another had you scratching your young head after buying it.

9-Crossfire

Apparently in the future the "ultimate challenge" involves shooting marbles at other marbles on a 16-inch game board. At least that's what I think this game entails, because the commercial makes no attempt whatsoever to explain how this product actually works. But who could blame them? When you have a theme song this catchy, why ruin it with an announcer attempting to describe exactly what the item does? The company should really focus their marketing on those sweet hoverboards the leather-jacket-clad kids come riding in on. I'd buy one of those before I'd buy what I assume is a board game.

8-He-Man Evil Horde Slime Pit Playset

During the 80's there was this weird obsession with getting "slimed" and this toy cashed in on the craze. If you live on the surface of the moon you'll have the perfect place to play with this toy. If you don't, you're probably going to have use that pesky imagination to envision some sort of dark parallel universe fitting of this toy's dark demeanor. However, if using your imagination results in doing those horrible action figure voices, some restraint should be practiced regarding said ability. You'll probably also need your imagination to pretend this game is worth the cleanup involved when you're done.

7-The Animal

This toy truck's jingle poses the question, "Can anything stop The Animal?" And indeed, even streams stocked with inferior, discarded trucks are apparently no match for The Animal's incredible claw tires. If you're still on the fence regarding this truck's abilities, a very scientific- looking blueprint details exactly what this truck does "when the going gets tough." However if you live anywhere else besides the Amazon jungle, be prepared to simply watch this truck slowly motor across your linoleum floor before crashing into your kitchen cabinets. I can think of one thing that's capable of stopping The Animal: boredom.

6-Operation

Is there anything funnier than botched surgery? I don't think so and apparently the makers of this game--where shaky hands during surgery will cause uproarious laughter from your medical peers (i.e. the other players)--agree. The patient's distressed reactions, whether due to a child surgeon pulling a massive pencil from his stomach or the $1000 bill that patient receives after a reflex check, are side-splitting. However, if this commercial wanted to be accurate, it would show someone slamming down that metal scalpel after the third attempt to remove the funny bone and yelling F__K THIS GAME!

5-Guess Who

This game looks sweet! All these little faces react and talk to you based on whatever decisions and guesses you make. It's like you have your very own game board filled with hundreds of tiny televisions, each of which comes equipped with a unique character that must utilize some of the highest artificial intelligence currently on the market. Oh wait, the game pieces don't actually talk? God damnit.

4-Connect Four

Either this is an exemplary case of misleading advertising or those kids are tripping on hallucinogens because I've played this incredibly complex game before and my pieces could neither talk, nor move, and certainly never ended up in my popcorn bowl. This commercial also seems to imply that the winner is determined by the party who has the most athletic checkers and not who is the more cunning player, as several pieces physically push their way into the desired slots. However, the worst of this commercial's crimes is the fact that it makes this game appear fun, when in reality it is far from it.

3-Fireball Island

At one point or another we've all dreamed of being a real- life Indiana Jones. But unfortunately, many of his adventures seem likely to result in annoying injuries or bothersome deaths. That's exactly why this game appears so appealing. You can be that heroic adventurer and not have to leave the comfort of your lazy-boy chair. According to this commercial, all it takes is a couple of friends, a few costumes, a smoke machine, a massive life-size recreation of the game board, and a few "thundering fire balls," and you're ready to enjoy this game to its fullest. If, however, you don't have these objects at your disposal, the game ends up being about as fun as "dog meat."

2-Electronic Battleship

If I remember correctly, this commercial is actual documentary footage taken by NASA from man's first trip to the moon. Boy, the country sure breathed a collective sigh of relief when we realized that our astronauts were not in fact being attacked by deadly space monsters but were actually just engaging in a heated game of battleship. There's a rumor going around that this commercial was not actually filmed on the moon but on a sound stage in a top- secret government facility, but that just sounds like loony conspiracy theory to me.

1-Simon

I'll tell you why you want this toy: because Johnny is so goddamn cool, and just like him, you enjoy making a fool out of electronics in front of massive congregations of spectators. It's also never been so easy to steal the hot blonde babe away from that negative loser who doesn't realize what you're capable of. When a toy is not only fun, but also capable of turning you into some sort of super cool, neighborhood celebrity, you need to do whatever it takes to get that item into your possession. And if you have managed to get this coveted toy, it's safe to say that now--like millions of other Simons across the country--it is sitting in a dank basement closet covered by a thick layer of dust.

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