OMG Lists.com

Infomercial directors think you are unattractive. They think you are stupid. They think you are lazy. Let's be honest, they're probably right. But that doesn't make their products any less asinine. As anyone who has watched late night television or the Home Shopping Network knows, infomercials are the shelter for products that were just marketable enough to be made, but nowhere near practical enough to take up valuable shelf space in stores. And thank god for that, because they make for some entertaining commercials. Keep in mind that I value my sanity to a certain degree, so I have not submitted myself to infomercials on an endless loop. Have an equally stupid favorite? Comment!

7- Rejuvenique

You would have to be pretty desperate for a pretty complexion to wear this iron maiden for your face (No, not that one, I mean this kind). By sending electrical impulses into your head in the creepiest way possible, Rejuvenique promises to exercise your face to the degree that eight sit-ups a second would do for your stomach. Finally you can have that six-pack on your forehead that you've always wanted. And if you ever have a last minute invitation to one of those freaky Eyes Wide Shut parties you have a mask ready to go. My big question for Rejuvenique is this: I get that it has to shape to a face, but did you really have to sculpt the lips and eyebrows?

6- Ayds

Mmm! Awkardly timed advertisement! Airing in 1981, just months before the mysterious dease that had killed hundreds earned a nickname, Ayds Diet Candy is all the more cringe-worthy due to the similar promises of the epidemic disease and innocent dietary supplement. Easy weight loss? AIDS/Ayds can do that. Curbs your appetite? AIDS/Ayds can do that. Available in 4 flavors, including delicious chocolate? Oh, well, I guess that one only applies to the candy. Thankfully, Ayds is long-since off the market, so good luck finding two to enjoy before your next meal.

5- Pieceless Puzzle

The Pieceless Puzzle is basically a jigsaw puzzle with training wheels attached. And to this, we say, it's about damn time. We were sick and tired of feeling challenged by our jigsaw puzzles. And talk about convenience! Remember the days of spending hours putting puzzle pieces back in the box? Don't worry, America, those days are behind us. All those loose puzzle pieces in your nightstand drawer reminding you of your failure to organize puzzle pieces properly? That too is a thing of the past, people! Seriously, talk about a product that didn't need to be invented. Instead of a challenging puzzle worthy of our time, we get a stitched together failure blanket that disintegrates into a bunch of easily reassembled parts.

4- ExtenZe

It's like the people behind ExtenZe knew every stupid infomercial trick in the book and decided to pack them all into one super-moronic commercial? Lifeless back and forth between cohosts, peppered with a slightly unnerving erotic overtones? Check. Staged man on the street interviews with an astounding number of men who all happen to use this largely unknown product when sleeping with their way-too-hot-for-them girlfriends and wives? Check. Copious usage of foriegn men, just to add to the creepiness factor? Check. A porno-inspired commercial right in the middle to make sure nobody anywhere takes this infomercial seriously? Check. Speaking of, ExtenZe, our check is in the mail. Just make sure to send it in a box that has the words "NOT PENIS PILLS" stamped all over it.

3- The Hawaii Chair

Infomercials have long toted products that would make you fit with the least amount of work possible, but the Hawaii chair takes that to the extreme, designing an entire workout around sitting. The concept is that what keeps Hawaiians so thin is the hula dance and the motion that goes along with it. But if Dog the Bounty Hunter has taught us anything (besides that stuff about black people) it's that what keeps the Hawaiian population skinny is their rampant crystal meth use. As for the Hawaii Chair, you can bet that the only way this is going to keep you fit is that you won't be able to keep your lunch down while doing office work in constant motion.

2- Nads

This poorly named product is marketed towards the bearded lady community, a grossly under-pandered to demographic in our society. In a testimonial, the client claims that before Nads she did not want to "spend money and lots of time" on removing her thick patches of facial hair and that it led to insults. I'm sorry, but a lady with a beard is like a man with a fanny pack: either take it off or accept the mockery. Could it really take that much time and money to get a Bic razor? Sure you'll end up with a 5 o'clock shadow, but it's better than an all the time shag carpet. At least Nads is here to end that dilemma. Just rub Nads against your hairy face and watch the results.

1- Facial Flex

Have you ever had an unexplainable desire to look like a freshly caught catfish struggling for life on a dock? Then the Facial Flex is just what you need! As even the woman hawking it says (in one of the greatest understatements ever), this device is "kinda freaky." The idea is that by squeezing this unused prop from "Saw" in your mouth your wrinkles will magically fade away. The only real purpose for this exercise is if you're trying to stretch and strengthen your mouth enough to open a jar of pickles with it. What's worse is that they recommend walking your dog while using this monstrosity. Please do not do this. You'll just end up with a heart full of shame and a mouth full of flies.

• << prev
• next >>