PILFS: 8 Puppets We'd Like to F___

Jan. 24 1:05 PM by Aaron_Koehn

From the dawn of time, man has been unjustly confined when choosing significant others, forced to select only between other human beings. Well, what if I told you that besides the customary human being -- a mate that ensures the continuation of our species -- there is another possibility? And what if I told you that this other option's assets were not randomly created and assigned by genes and science, but instead by mankind. After all, it is man who knows what he likes and wants, and through this new mate-alternative, he is afforded the ability to add or dismiss whatever traits he deems important. I know, I know, you can see from a mile away where I'm going with this. You're correct, I'm talking about puppet love. If you're unconvinced, then take a gander at 8 of the hottest puppet celebrities, and feel free to tell me how right I am.

8- Ms. Leech from The Puppet Master

Ms. Leech not only proved that women puppets could be just as deadly, but that they could be damn fine in the process.Today, so many deadly puppets are more comfortable using conventional knives and flamethrowers to dispatch with their enemies, while Ms. Leech makes use of some slightly alternative means; namely, leeches pouring forth from her mouth. I can't tell you how many times I've placed myself into that role of the hapless victim and envisioned your impassioned leeches slowly sucking the life out of my body. And even though you're fictional, I keep asking God to, just once, let me wake up to find that the strange wetness on my face is one of your sexual, killer leeches and not just my own drool If God did that, I promise I would completely turn my life around and stop writing ridiculous internet articles.

7- Sy Snootles from Star Wars

I can still remember the first time I saw this long-legged alien climb atop the stage in Jaba the Hutt's Palace during Return of the Jedi. More than a pretty face. Sy Snootles had the best voice this side of Alderon, capable of making any scruffy-looking Nerf Herder drop down to his knees and cry. Unfortunately this diva expired way before her time when some asshole blew up the floating sail barge where she was performing (you know who you are, L. Skywalker). Still, her angelic voice will always carry me through tough times. And while I can't help but wonder what our children would have looked like had she survived, I'm comforted to know that she's now singing in that big golden Death Star in the sky, where every night's a sellout and the Twi-leks always tip well.

6- Cammie from Crank Yankers

Fellow human facsimile lovers, let me run some of this puppet-stripper's measurements by you. She's 5'8" with natural, man-made 34D breasts. She was created 8 years ago by some of the top sexy puppet makers in the biz, and her "Ability to Party" rating has been scored at "Off the Charts!" Had enough? Well, if you're asking me to slow down, I WILL NOT. Not only has Cammie been recorded having a full-fledged puppet orgasm on Crank Yankers (and while talking to a computer programmer I might add, so fellow computer geeks, know that she is into our kind), but on occasion, she has displayed portions of her unblemished fabric nipples on air. Thank God the FCC hasn't laid down the law on puppet nudity.

5- The Countess from Sesame Street

There are a couple of things that really set The Countess apart from the other regular puppet babes. One, she's the only goth girl on the list. And two, she's got the brains to match that rare beauty. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to this Victorian temptress make a fool out of the number system. Counting forwards, counting backwards, counting with her eyes closed, counting with her eyes open, she can do it all. But most impressively, I've never seen her pass up counting to, say, preserve her life by sucking some blood, the life force and sustenance of all vampires. That's intellectual dedication. She also doesn't seem too judgmental. After all, she does allow that oddball boyfriend of hers, The Count, to continue wearing that unnecessary monocle. It's 2008 dude... the monocle hasn't been in style for what, about 200 years?. Hey Countess, I've got some numbers for you to look over: 612-555-4098. Them's my digits, call me.

4- Kira from The Dark Crystal

Everyone knows how rare true beauty is, so when it comes along, you better make sure you grab it. Case in point: Kira. You see, Kira belongs to a race called the Gelflings. Never heard of them you say? Well that's because Kira is the last female Gelfling alive, ever since those evil Skekis found out that they can use the Gelflings' life energy to sustain their youth (oh don't get me started on those narcissistic Skekises). So with Kira's beauty being so truly rare, I can't wait another second to court this exquisite specimen. However, first I will have to travel to the Valley of the Stones in Thra, seeking the approval of the all-wise urRu mystics before attempting communication with this smoking hot babe. Then, and assuming all goes well with urSu, the leader of the urRus, I shall journey north to the swamps of the Podpeople who are now responsible for her upbringing. It is here where I shall find Kira, probably playing with her pet Fizzgig or getting into trouble with that irritable Aughra. Then, after sharing a cup of Nebrie Grub milk with her, I shall tell Kira of my honorable intentions, and make this righteous babe all mine. An absolutely flawless plan.

3- Janice from The Muppets

I like rock and roll music. I idolize the makers of good rock and roll music. If a woman makes good (or more accurately just decent) rock and roll music, I fall in love with her. Janice is an example of a female who gets rock and roll, and that is a rare breed of lady, although to be fair not quite as rare as Kira the Gelfling. Not only can Janice rock a fabric axe with best of them, she has that perfect emaciated, druggedout, rock body, natural blonde hair, and beautiful massive eyes which, to be honest, I have never seen because they're always closed, probably a side effect of her continued drug usage. Though, you may ask, "Aaron if you truly love her, aren't you worried about her drug habit, which will probably claim her life if something isn't done about it?" To which I would respond, "No, she's a puppet you moron. Puppets never die. That's why Oscar the Grouch doesn't have to worry about that nasty new strain of Staph."

2- Lisa from Team America World Police

Anyone who gets puppet love, like I get puppet love, will understand why Lisa is on this list. But just in case you've still got some reservations regarding marionette adulation consider this: Lisa is a highly-trained, government agent who fights dangerous terrorists. She puts her life on the line everyday so that you and I can live in a free country. A country where it is legally and morally right for a man to love a puppet, and for that puppet, who is probably being controlled by the man, to love him back. Day in and day out she contends with the nastiest riffraff this world has to offer so that man and puppets can come together and start a family, file joint tax returns, and, if applicable, attend fancy parties where the men have to wear tuxedos and old, bald butlers run around with crackers and stuff on a silver tray.

1- Heidi from Meet the Feebles

Whichever puppet maker put Heidi together deserves a Grammy or something, because he has crafted one of the most exquisite, voluptuous puppets ever. Idiots might argue that she's a little thick, but we call them idiots because they never know what they're talking about. As anyone who has seen Meet the Feebles would know, this sultry, semiaquatic mammal can shoot a machine gun. And nothing is sexier than a bipolar hippopotami puppet, crafted to look like a woman who has undergone serious breast augmentation surgery, and is willing to kill if pushed too far. Have I mentioned that she has large breasts? Breasts that are so big, if they were dropped from a plane, the ensuing impact would have the same force as 10,000 atom bombs kicking up enough dust to completely cover the surface of the earth, in turn blocking out the sun and causing the eventual extinction of all of mankind.