Some movies sound like good ideas. Great ones in fact. But somewhere between conception and birth they become bastardized versions of what they could have been. Here are 6 of the worst offenders.
6. Signs
Why it sounded good- M. Night Shaymalaohyouknow, hot off The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, hadn't yet revealed that those were the two fluke good movies in his career. The idea of him putting his own filter on the alien movie like he did with ghost and superhero movies before seemed like a sure thing. Plus Mel Gibson wasn't (publicly) crazy yet.
Why it sucked- Besides the movie being terrible compared to other alien movies, it also carried a weird religious theme that, looking back, may have been the only reason Mel signed on to such a horrid script. The little suspense there is gets killed when the aliens are finally revealed. They look dumb, they act dumb, and although they can travel light years to invade us, they're dumb enough to pick a planet that is 70% covered with water, a substance that instantly kills them.
5. Big Top Pee Wee
Why it sounded good- It's Pee Wee Herman and a bunch of circus freaks. Of course it sounded good. Pee Wee's Big Adventure is one of the most underrated comedy films of the past twenty five years, successfully making Pee Wee a childlike idiot we could root for with touches of darkness creeping in all round him. Paul Reuben's hadn't been busted for playing with his pee wee at the theatre or that "art" of naked children yet, so it was prime time for a great movie.
Why it sucked- Besides the suit and voice, most everything about the Pee Wee character was scrapped. Pee Wee lives on a farm and his best friend is a pig? He has a girlfriend instead of avoiding dates with Dottie? He's a scientist? Yes that's right, the manchild that spent an entire movie trying to get back his bicycle is a super smart scientist, and even invented a hot dog tree that causes people to age in reverse. No you didn't read that sentence wrong. It's that stupid. The circus freaks are also disappointingly boring. Except for Benicio Del Toro as the Dog Faced Boy.
4. Alien Vs. Predator
Why it sounded good- Alien is awesome. Predator is awesome. Naturally the outcome of pitting them against each other should be double awesome.
Why it sucked- This movie is perfectly encapsulated in one scene: Predator and his new lady friend running in slow motion away from an explosion. Over the top and cheesy, but not in the fun way. Somehow Predator, who we have come to know as a fierce and noble warrior, can't handle the threat without a human sidekick that he seemingly adopts into his race. The final scene of the Predator king presenting her with a trophy is the icing on the bad idea cake.
3. Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter
Why it sounded good- Jesus teams up with a Mexican wrestler named El Santos to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Canada from a group of vampires that are terrorizing them. Along the way he meets up with a motorcycle riding, ass-kicking woman that is pun-centrically named "Mary Magnum." This movie doesn't just sound good. It sounds like the best thing ever committed to film. Adding to its must see quality is the tagline: "The power of Christ impales you."
Why it sucked- When we first see Jesus he has the trademark Jesus look and fights some scantily clad vampires when they interrupt the baptisms he's doing in a dirty river. Brilliant start. But as soon as Jesus decides to go Rambo on the vampires he ditches the robes for street clothes, cuts his hair, and even shaves. There are the occasional biblical references, but from that point on Jesus just looks like some dude in a sweater. Coupled with a screaming narrator and badly dubbed audio, the movie becomes nothing more than a bad horror movie in no time. Though the insanely catchy theme song, performed by the Hammerheads, over the final montage makes sticking through the whole thing worth it.
2. Broken Flowers
Why it sounded good- Bill Murray, an aging bachelor, goes to visit all his old girlfriends to try and find out if he really has a son or not. This has got to be awkwardly funny right? And with Jim Jarmusch directing it was sure to have a touch of artsy-fartsy prestige too.
Why it sucked- It turned out to be a little too artistic, indulging in silence and long actionless shots rather than taking advantage of Bill Murray's ability to, you know, be funny. Instead he takes his subdued approach that worked so well in Lost in Translation to a new level. He probably wouldn't even react if a naked teenager strutted in front of him. Oh wait, that happens. And he doesn't. Each of his meetings with old flames have the potential to be wonderful, but lean so heavily on awkward silence that they fall into boring. Getting minutes of footage of Bill driving a rental car between each meeting doesn't exactly help the excitement level.
1. The Star Wars Prequels (like you didn't see that coming)
Why it sounded good- I don't care how many nerdy connotations it carries. The original Star Wars trilogy is one of the greatest film franchises of all time. Of course the prospect of the long rumored prequels hitting the silver screen made geeks everywhere wet their pants.
Why it sucked- Jar Jar Binks. Too easy? Ok, well instead of giving us an awesome look at the roots of Star Wars, the three movies seem to be a simple exercise by Lucas to prove that the Star Wars universe sucked before Luke and crew came around. Darth Vader, one of the greatest movie villains ever, is cut down to a whiney little cry baby. And to top it off they're boring. Lucas claims that he intended them for kids and adolescents, which would certainly explain the lackluster scripts, but the plots are all about politics and democracy. You just know how little kids love political intrigue. And the amount of computer animation should qualify these things as animated features. Give us back the puppets Geoge!
Comments
My picks:
Mystery Men- Ben Stiller during his non-sucky years, William H. Macy, Janeane Garofolo, and Paul Reubens dressing up as unique superheros... it should have been one of the funniest movies ever, but it just plain sucked.
Slackers- A college comedy featuring Jason Schwartzman, Jason Segel fresh off of Freaks and Geeks, and Michael "Older Pete" Maronna should have been clever and cool. Instead, there's a pubic hair doll and a dancing sock penis scene. Sigh.
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