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The 8 Worst Sitcom Character Names

Dec. 3 6:58 PM by OMGLists Team

Today's list comes from reader ''Floyd Gondoli''. Want to contribute to OMGLists? Then drop us a line, and your list idea, and we'll make magic!

Before they died in the wake of reality shows and cop dramas, comedies ruled the TV landscape. In fact, there was such a surplus of sitcoms in the eighties and nineties that writers would do anything to get their show notices, including giving their characters nonsensical names that would never fly in today's society... or at least today's society outside of San Francisco. Below, we list the nine stupidest names in sitcom history, and the annoying characters they were bestowed upon.

8- Arvid Engen, ''Head of the Class''

Picture Brad Pitt. Now, change the hair to greasy (unwashed greasy, not cool greasy) black. Change the nose so it's larger and less appealing. Take about 60 lbs of muscle away. Add gold-rimmed glasses that are thicker and more awful-looking than your grandmother's. Then you've got Arvid, a nerd who manages to be the most uncool kid in an honors class.

7- Ralph Malph and Potsie, ''Happy Days''

Garry Marshall hit gold with annoying character names. Unlike Arthur "The Fonz" Fonzarelli, who set the standard for coolness, the duo of Ralph Malph and Potsie were completely inept and often annoying. Malph is a perfect example of how little thought can go into the name of a character. Potsie's great because he managed to go almost exclusively by one nonsensical name. Long before Madonna, Prince, and Cher made the practice acceptable, Potsie blazed a trail of single-name adversity. Still doesn't make up for the fact that he was a complete loser, though.

6- Blossom Russo, ''Blossom''

The liberal daughter of a liberal piano-playing musician, Blossom was a little hippy a whole lot of annoying. If her name was Julie or Jessica, the show would have never made it past the pilot. Of course, they teamed her up with an even more annoying and oddly named best friend named Six, and the show reached critical mass levels of aggrivating. Due to the overload of annoying, Blossom's awfulness had to be siphoned into another form of media, and thus, Joey Lawrence's music career was born.

5- Topanga, ''Boy Meets World''

While she made have been the object of lust for every horny loser that watched ''Boy Meets World'', Topanga couldn't mask her annoyingness with modest beauty. She was a hippie in a suburban Philadelphia school, who later shed her faux-idealism to date (and then wed) a character played by the uglier Savage brother. She should have just stuck with that nerdy kid they dropped after the first season. At least he stuck to his roots and didn't fuck Ben Savage

4- Doogie Howser, ''Doogie Howser, M.D''

If you're young, a doctor, and not getting laid constistenly, something is extremely wrong. And while the "he's only 14!" argument is valid, it can't last forever. I'm guessing that if we caught up with 32-year-old Doogie, we'd find he'd still have trouble getting any. Why? Because his name is Doogie. I'm pretty sure his parents named him that to ensure he would be a M.D. That may have failed, but it succeeded in another way... a child named Doogie cannot become an adult.

3- Steve Urkel, ''Family Matters''

Meant to be an exceedingly annoying guest character, Urkel wasn't supposed to become a national sensation. Then you realize that this nation has a large contingent of morons, and it all starts to make sense. I'm sure the producers were skeptical at first when they chose this name. But after watching Jaleel White hike his pants up and attach his suspenders, there was no doubt that "Urkel" aptly described the unique brand of hell that we would suffer through from that point on. In case you needed more proof of his awfulness, Urkel managed to have both a dance move and a breakfast cereal named after him. Of course, like Blossom, Urkel too had an annoyingly named friend, Waldo Geraldo Faldo, who covered a different spectrum of grating, so anyone watching Family Matters would have reason to contemplate suicide.

2- Balki Bartokomous, ''Perfect Strangers"

Balki emigrated from Mypos to live with his cousin Larry in Chicago, creating stupid situations due to his lack of American knowledge. This went on for eight seasons. If you're still making moronic translation jokes after eight years, you're either the world's biggest dumbass, or the creation of a writing staff that didn't expect your schtick to last longer than a season. Either one sounds appropriate for Balki.

1- Boner Stabone, ''Growing Pains''

Boner Stabone... It works on so many levels-- and it's only two words. It's the kind of name that you would think wouldn't fly on network television. Or be utterable in a suburban Long Island home like the Seavers'. Then you see his face, and you realize that if anyone could pull off a name that serves as a euphemism for an erection, it'd be him. His character was borderline retarded and would help Kirk Cameron make crappy decisions that Kirk could learn from in the end of the show. Oddly enough, Kirk Cameron went Christian-crazy and wanted to maintain a "family" element to the show, Boner still stuck around. I'm still not quite sure why they didn't name him Richard P. McLarge.

Comments

Actually, Potsie had a last name, and was referred to by it fairly often on the show: Potsie Webber. Also, he had a real first name, "Warren", but I had to admit I'm not quite pathetic enough to know that off the top of my head and had to look that up. But I guess the fact that I looked it up is a new level of pathetic.

 

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