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It must really suck to be a hot chick in the land o' tv shows. You're either cast as the lonely and lovesick loser (sorry America Ferrera, back to makeup), the asexual bitch (keep on digging, Bones), or you're paired up with nasty don't-have-a-chance-in-Hell dudes. Is this some cruel revenge cooked-up by television writers for all the times they've been shot down by Ms. Mile-Long Legs or Sexy McCurvyson? Or are attractive women just that much more prone to adore big dumb animals? Sure there was that spate of awful real-life mashups in the 80's and early 90's--Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel, Rachel Hunter and Rod Stewart, Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett--but these were probably fueled by white drugs and bad eyesight due to an over-exposure to neon. These days beauty and her proverbial beast are cast upon the small screen, with us as the viewing audience wondering WTF??? As shallow as it may seem, it's time to take a look at the lookers and losers.

5-Ross and Rachel

Rachel works in the fashion industry and got it on with over 20 different guys during the show; Ross is a Paleontologist and admitted to being "dumped during sex." She shared genes with characters played by the famously hot Christina Applegate and oh-so-adorable Reese Witherspoon. He was brother to Monica played by Courtney Cox, a woman whose face is so sharply angular it could cut glass. She's a sexy mom, he's a triple divorcee dad. How did these two wind up together? I think we can blame this mismatch squarely on the "Friends" writers who had some fairly notorious angst aimed at the female cast members. Poor Rachel--If I were her I'd kick Ross out of bed and onto the curb and go back to my naughty novel.

4-George and Izzie (and Callie) from "Grey's Anatomy"

George O'Malley starts off his stint on Grey's Anatomy by killing his first patient during a routine appendectomy. His demure-cum-pathetic personality eventually earns him the nickname "Bambi" (a sex-appeal killer if I ever heard one). After his father dies he runs off and elopes with the seductive Dr. Callie Torres, an accomplished 5th year Orthopedic Surgical resident who plays a fine dominatrix to his deer-in-the-headlights. But the marriage is a short one after he sleeps with the blonde bombshell that is Dr. Izzie Stevens who also happens to be his best friend. She pines away for the married O'Malley and throws herself at his bootie-covered feet on more than one occasion. Finally he shows up at Izzie's door in the middle of the night, and as she towers over his short stature he proclaims his love for her and she couldn't be happier. At one point Callie and Izzie nearly come to blows over Bambi. This is a clear case of the beautiful princess(es) falling for the awkward and unattractive frog out of pity and an overly active sense of compassion. Only George ain't no brave and handsome prince in disguise. The moral of this story? Be careful what you wish for girls, you might just get it.

3-A tie between Jim and Cheryl of "According to Jim" and Doug and Carrie of "The King of Queens"

While I've never personally watched either of these shows (laugh tracks make me nauseous), all it takes is one look at the pics above to realize something isn't right in Sitcomia. "According To Jim" stars Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne-Smith. Remember him? He's John Belushi's bro. 'Nuff said. Her? She was on Melrose Place. Melrose Place! As in "Land of the Beautiful (albeit bitchy and slightly crazy) People!" In King Of Queens the lead roles are filled by Kevin James who played the loser in the box office bomb "Hitch" and Leah Remini who you may recognize from "Saved By The Bell" as Zack Morris's summer girlfriend. And you KNOW Zack didn't get wit any butterfaces. Why are these two gorgeous women with these at-best-less-than-average guys? The men are both short, overweight, balding, terrible dressers with bad manners. Maybe if they were candidates of the "Best Husband EVER" award if would make a little sense; however from what I've been able to gather in my extensive research (read: 5 minutes of cruising Wikipedia) is that Jim and Doug are lazy slobs whose antics to avoid domestic duty are the cruxes of their respective programs. Both of these lovely ladies obviously take care of themselves physically, but their emotional lives seem to revolve around their ungrateful husbands and obnoxious families. They deserve a long vacation to an island resort populated with attractive and adoring masseurs or pool boys. Or both. I'm going too.

2-Peter and Lois of "Family Guy"

Holding it down for the animated world are the Griffins. Anyone who has seen this show (and if you haven't you deserved to be kicked in the face) knows just how far apart Lois and Peter are on the attractive scale. Lois, who did a stint as a professional model, gets close to a 10, whereas Peter, who once gorged himself on nickels to earn a world record, scores about a negative 2. She's a lithe stay-at-home mom and does her Jane Fonda workout several times a week whereas Peter is proud of his ginormous girth and would rather watch tv all day then spend time with his family. This relationship earns the number two spot because with the other shows I can understand if casting for characters is a difficult process, but Lois and Peter were drawn this way! On purpose! What kind of sick bastard would put this accomplished and savvy pianist with "The Guy Who Fishes Out The Dead Rats" at the local brewery? Oh...right...I guess I shouldn't be THAT surprised after all.

And coming in with a strong first place finish is...

1-William Shatner and Every Woman He's Been With On TV

Oh. My. God. Here is a man who is not only uber-ugly, but he's got the voice to match! He sounds like Steven Hawking went headlong into a bottle of JD and lost control of his motor-skill. Shatner is the laughing stock of the television world! Sure, we've got to give him props for bringing his career a full 360 degrees, but we do NOT need to give him attractive women as partners! It was bad enough on Star Trek when he ran around in skintight costumes that clung oh-so-tightly to every curve of his chubby tummy and heaving man-boobs. Come on, the Orion slave girls? Edith Keeler during the depression (played by a young Joan Collins)?? Uhuru??? I'd have taken Sulu and his shirtless fencing any day. Today, Shatner stars in the (hellifiknow why) popular Boston Legal wherein his old and even uglier self nails everything and anything in a skirt! The hardest part to swallow--forgive me--is his tryst with the classy and handsome Candice Bergen as Shirley Schmidt. If ever there was a woman who seems unlikely of putting up with the corpulent cad that is Shatner's Denny Crane, it would be her. She's tough, brassy, and wears her sexual magnetism like a patent-leather cat suit. Schmidt can have any man she wants--and she deserves him (anyone!) over the craptastic Crane. No self-respecting lawyer would ever "docket"--forgive me again--with that guy. Someone please take his fleshy mug off the air and put us out of our misery!

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