The 5 Least Informative Types of User Reviews

Dec. 2 5:05 PM by Dave Rudden

With the holidays approaching, you might be tempted to take the word of your fellow internet user when it comes to their opinion on products and businesses. Just make sure it's not one of the following types of morons writing it.

5- The Crappy Purchase Justifier

Wow. You just blew how much on an HDTV? Damn. And it's only 720p without an HDMI input? Unless you bought it in 2002, you got hosed, pal. Of course, that won't stop you from extolling the virtues of the bezel finish or the user-friendly remote on the CNET product page. But really, will it help you sleep at night knowing you've deceived potential customers to make you feel like less of a chump?

4- The Inconsequential Storyteller

Apparently, there's some reviews of businesses on Yelp. You just have to wade through eight paragraphs about the conversation Gary B. and Lucy D. had about the best kind of birth control at their local watering hole to find out how the service and drink selection fares. I only wish they'd print last names on that site so that I could call those fuckers up myself and tell them to GET TO THE GODDAMN POINT.

3- The Steakhouse Vegetarian

With such a broad range of businesses across this country, there's bound to be a few that don't appeal to certain types of consumers. A teetotaler probably has no use for a dive bar, just like a vegetarian probably has no reason to ever hit up the local Arbys. On the product side, you've got tech neophytes writing their impressions of home theater systems and the morbidly obese complaining about home exercise equipment. As much as these people think they're helping folks outside of the core consumer group, they're really just clouding the judgment of all readers.

2- The Non-Product-User

Here's the thing about the internet. People like to be assholes here--this article's author included. Part of being an asshole means passing judgment on things without experiencing them. Are you a PS3 owner who wouldn't piss on an Xbox 360 if it was on fire? Well, your opinion on Gears of War 2 is as important as the people who actually played it. Hey hipster? Can you tell me how much American Idol sucks without actually watching a minute of it? Of course you can, buddy.

1- The Covert PR Shill

Bad news, public relations worker. Your new product is getting panned by important critics across the board. Any sap who's bought what you're selling is spreading bad word of mouth, too. It's up to you to save the integrity of your company... by pretending to be a normal person with no ties to the product besides a bizarre amount of love for something that most people hate. Consumer fraud... it's all just a part of a days work, you noble soul.

List concept concieved by OMGLists writer TKK.

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