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7 Seriously Stupid Fictional Submarines

Sep. 24 3:48 PM by Aaron_Koehn


There is perhaps no boat, with the exception of the bikini-babe filled yacht, that man yearns to be inside more than the submarine. Hollywood has realized that and has produce many fiction stories featuring the aquatic wonder. However, some of the lamer ones are about as stupid as a screen door on a... well, you know.

7-The Penguin Sub from Batman: The Movie

It's tough to instill fear in your enemies when you're 5 feet tall and over 300 lbs, and you do yourself no further favors when you choose to sculpt your means of transportation after one of the most harmless birds in existence. But that's the breaks for the self-proclaimed "criminal mastermind" who has an unexplainable affinity for the flightless bird known as the penguin. During the 1966 Batman movie (based on the infamously campy Batman series that ran during the 60's), the portly super villain known as the Penguin harbored a menagerie of master criminals in his penguin-shaped, submersible lair. Eventually, said lair was discovered by the dark knight, and The Batman proceed to beat this plump super villain into compliance. But prior to this fat-ass-kicking, spectators were treated to several "high tech" underwater shots that showed Hollywood's movie-making magic at its best. The Golden years indeed.

6-The Gungan Bongo from Star Wars: Episode One

"Ooh mooey mooey I love you" proclaimed one Jar Jar Binks, and with that, the fond childhood memories that many people held for Star Wars were instantly destroyed. In the Phantom Menace, we were introduced to a pair of Jedis on the run, who met up with the annoying alien quoted above. This unfortunate chance encounter eventually takes us on a wild submarine ride where Mr. Binks dispenses many more of his grating, non-humorous expressions, some of which include: "Uh-oh big goober fish," and "monsters out dere, leakin in here, all sinkin an no power? When are yousa tinkin' wesa in trouble?" If it hadn't been for that god-awful alien, maybe the submarine bit would be endurable, but as it stands, the Star Wars submersible scene reminds us of what it'd be like to be trapped in a confined space underwater while listening to dialogue written by an over-the-hill George Lucas.

5-The Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

The crazy Captain Nemo piloted the sub which many an intoxicated sailor once believed to be a sea monster in Disney's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. While saying this Nautilus' tech was futuristic for 1866 is a bit of an understatement, it is not an understatement to say that the tech that went into making the giant squid which so famously attacked ye sub was incredibly antiquated. One can only imagine the level of disgust the world's puppeteers felt as they watched that horrible marionette slowly swing its tentacles back and forth while repeatedly being harpooned. Fortunately for the film, Kirk Douglas gave an impromptu musical recital that took the spectators' minds off all the horrible miniatures that this film employed. Ultimately, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea made us all thankful that God invented computers and the subsequent C.G.I.

4-The Yellow Submarine from The Yellow Submarine

When your peaceful, music-loving paradise falls under attack from an army of vicious monsters, who better to turn to for help than four possibly stoned, musicians. And that's exactly what the citizens of Pepperland did after the Blue Meanies struck their utopia under the sea. The film The Yellow Submarine featured the super popular musical quadruplet known as the Beatles, as they traveled below the sea via a canary colored submersible. During their exploits aboard that infamous yellow sub, these four war mediators frequently engaged in what they knew best: song. And ultimately it was these fine tunes that taught us all how to love again. At least that's what happened to the cartoon monsters when they heard the jingles. And in the end, as the Beatles floated away in their illustrious yellow-hued sub to dancing cartoon characters, many spectators' stoned minds were completely blown. Mission accomplished, Hollywood.

3-SeaQuest from SeaQuest DSV

If you ever thought Star Trek would be a lot cooler if it just was a little wetter, than SeaQuest was the answer to your prayers. However, this submarine-based television series, which spanned 1993-1996, threw a couple of curve balls in its attempt to distinguish itself from that space-ship based television series. For one, it featured a mind-boggling talking dolphin named Darwin, who, like a Lassie of the sea, would lead the sub and its crew to and from exploits and hi-jinks. And that's really where the differences ended. The submarine, which was also called SeaQuest, explored strange new worlds (albeit underwater ones), sought out new life and new civilizations (again, underwater), and boldly went where man had only limitedly gone before. It also featured an all-knowing captain, a pragmatic doctor, one of those guys that spouts off scientific/technical jargon, and a young heartthrob. Taking place in the year 2018, we now have only 10 years to wait before we've fully colonized the sea and built massive, life-sustaining submarines, according to this show.

2-The Lotus Esprit from The Spy Who Loved Me

Sure, it's not easy to constantly avoid the deadly, flying hats of Oddjob, but when you're given sports cars (the Lotus Esprit to be specific) that can transform into submarines, you will receive little sympathy from us 1990 Chevy Cavalier drivers. While being chased by a helicopter in the 1977 film The Spy who Loved Me, James Bond unexpectedly drives himself and his future, female-copulation-companion into the sea, to what few assumed was certain doom. Unsurprisingly, Mr. Bond had a trick up his sleeve and it was here where his automobile did its best Optimus Prime impression, transforming into the cleverly referred to "sports sub." However, Hollywood wasn't yet finished detailing the abilities of the world's most unrealistic car. That whirly bird that had literally driven the Esprit into the sea was still fluttering above, and while its super villain pilots angrily shook their fist at the submerged "sports sub," Bond initialed a sea-to-air missile and blew them into super villain heaven.

1-Dr Evil's underwater lair from Goldmember

Apparently, when you have the infinitely deep pockets of a film's super villain, crafting things in your own likeness is no problem. And when you're Austin Powers' arch nemesis, Dr. Evil, such things include high-tech submarines. In Goldmember--the third and least funny of the Austin Powers Trilogy--we are presented with Dr. Evil's newest secret lair, which in keeping with the theme of this list, happens to be a submarine. However, this is hardly an ordinary sub. No, this underwater lair happens to look identical to the malevolent MD, and along with his trademarked pinky-finger-to-mouth and raised eyebrow expression, it also possesses the ability to fart. The ability to laugh at the farting sub gag depended on whether or not the spectator was still attending junior high, or whether he or she finds Martin Lawrence's fat-suited comedies funny. Ultimately, this was the last Austin Powers film made, and if the farting sub was any indication, Mike Myers' well was starting to run dry.


I like Dr. Evils....



Man, you guys are crazy, Austin Powers 3 as the best of the series! You're right about the fart joke, but the movie was great! The rest of the list was pretty spot on.


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